City streets survival guide

It's difficult to leave the house these days without somebody trying to sell you something or give you something that will eventually cost you rather more than you expected or guilt trip you into parting with your hard earned cash. These ruthless commission driven people have a whole range of tricks up their sweaty sleeves, it's time to fight back. Here's some tried and tested methods that will help you get back home with your wallet and pride intact.

To whining junkies you don't say anything, they don't sound like they're speaking English anyway so they shouldn't expect a response.

To payment protection insurance back claimers you say "I read before I sign".

To charity muggers you say "I pick my charities online and pay them by Direct Debit".

To Sky sellers you say "I already have Sky".

To very persistent charity muggers you shout "I hate children/animals/homeless people!".

To AA breakdown cover teams you say "I don't have a car".

If that charity mugger is still following you, you can start running down the street screaming "Stay away from me!"

To survey people you say anything in gibberish language looking surprised, don't try to speak these three Polish phrases you know, half of them will BE Polish.

If that charity mugger is still after you, call the police.

To any religion selling individuals you say "I believe in Cthulhu".

Enjoy!

Fortune favours the ambitious

What happened to ambition?

What happened to these teachers who used to tell you that you can be anything you want to be, as long as you work hard and keep going and don't give up? What happened to these parents who used to push their children to go further and higher than they ever got in their lives, which made you almost hate them when you were a teenager but love them even more when you looked back and understood why they did it? What happened to the economy that should favour the brave and the imaginative? What happened to people taking their lives into their own hands and pushing it until it's going in the right direction?

I just don't understand what happened. Ambition is the only way to success. Success is the best antidepressant. Praise people for being ambitious and there will be much less life hampering mental health problems around. Bloody hell, I just started to sound like a self help book but...

When you win that photo competition you kept thinking about for a while, write down that story that was at the back of your head for the past fifteen years, get that job interview you wanted so badly, feel the urge to look further than next week in your life, try and fail and try again and win, then you will understand. 

Bare bones of fashion

This summer I have noticed an abundance of white-on-black skull pattern on scarves, tops and leggings of young woman. Now, it's nothing new to choose clothes with potentially shocking patterns but I feel like walking up to them and asking - why do you feel like wearing skulls? is it a sign that you are worshipping death in some way? Revere it? Have a morbid fascination with dead bodies? Are toying with the idea of necrophilia? Or suicide? Collect skulls in your cellar? Mark yourself as a member of a flash mob that will descend on the city centre at some unspecified time and stand together to form a shape of a skull? Secretly wish that Thanatos might get attracted to your screaming child? Maybe you used to listen to death metal? Or dabbed in Satanism? Or you study medicine and are quietly fascinated with bones? What is the reason that you choose to display one of the universally recognisable symbols of death, decay and danger?

However, I won't ask, as I fear that the answer would be a blank look and a mumble about it being fashionable or cool or on sale.

Next summer it will be a pattern of black-on-white penises, mark my words...